Welcome to Aydindril

It's been about three years since a decent post.  Time has a habit of flying by doesn't it.  Updates: I moved out from my mother's apartment, I am engaged, getting married May 8th, I have a decent job working at Casino Aztar and been working there for almost two years.  The always stays the same kind of stuff is as always... the same.  I decided to come back to blogging due to not being able to get things out.  The friends I used to spend so much time with are living their own lives for the most part.  Thus I am back to ranting and confiding in blogs and random people who will read or not read what I post, either way, things are getting back out.

Right now my biggest concern is my upcoming wedding.  Most everything is in place and yet something feels off.  My fiancee is a wonderful woman but a little mental.  Mental in the case that she cannot deal with emotions well especially anger.  She doesn't just get mad, she gets furious.  I love her, very much, so I deal with it as best I can. 

I haven't given up writing but I haven't had a good idea to go on for a bit.  I still bounce different ideas around from time to time and see if I can get any of them past the first 20 or 30 pages.

I work Grave shift at work.  I find myself not sleeping more than 6 hours a day anymore and it's starting to wear on me. 

Seems like everything is falling apart around me lately and I am the only one concerned about me.  I feel like I am bouncing around to take care of everyone around me and myself.  More often than not, I fall by the wayside and take care of others.  I know it would be easy to say to hell with everyone and take care of number one but it isn't who I am. 

Everything that is going on around me makes me ask the question: When the world is falling down around you and you are the only one trying your damnedest to be the stable one, what happens?

The answer I found is that you stop caring and you fragment your own heart and mind.  Meaning where I used to care so much, now I am numb most of the time, not really caring about as much around myself.

With things like that happening to me, I begin to worry about getting married.  If I am not the same person I used to be, then how can the marriage work? 

First blog back and I am bitching but what the hell, at least you people don't know me well enough to have clouded judgment or worry about my feelings enough to lie to me

Hello, It has been over three years and I am finally back.  I look forward to posting about numerous things and hearing feedback from all of  you. Have a good morning

 

Sutton

Simple question right?  Seemingly so....  Yet so incredibly wrong.  Why have I been on an emotional rollercoaster lately.  Why have I felt like crying one moment and lashing out the next and still I wear my smile and do what I can for everyone.  Still wear my mask that only a few can see through.  Why have I felt so much sorrow towards those who were........are special to me and I dont see or talk to anymore.  I am longing for something... a touch... a smile....something..  So much and so little.  My mother said something the other day.  She said..."who are you and what did you do with my son".  She knew I was back.  I dont know exactly what had happened to make her see that I was back.  I am back.  Uncertain, smiling,  and an Emotional rollercoaster as well.......I have said it before and I will say it again....Something isnt right.

Reality is just a knotted mess I choose to avoid....

sorry its been so long everyone, ive been workin a lot and havent been home for more than sleep and food for a while now.  workin on a great story though and ill post that as soon as i get at least 30 pages written.  ttyl bye

 

ps.  lol if you all miss me that much you could always call   812*573*3891  !! no calls between 4 am and 11 am  thats my sleepy time!!

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. List ten things you want to say to10 people but know you never will.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but I'm not confirming or answering anything.
4. Never discuss it again.


1. Dood, get off your ass and do something for once, games are fun but you live your life with your head buried in one. You have something great and you ignore it. Lazy bastard!

2. ive known you most all of my life, you are one of my best friends and I love you more than most all of my friends combined, I really wish you would come to me more often when there is trouble with you. I know you get depressed sometimes, I can see it. Thank you for everything and always being there for me. I love you a lot

3. make that look or say something else to one of the girls that are my friends and i will rip off anything you think you can pleasure a woman with. EVERYTHING!

4. Life is not a soap opera, stop making it one.


5. I love you and all you have ever done is hurt me, As much as i love you i feel like i am starting to hate you. You were my first and you know what, you killed the experience because it meant nothing to me. Yet another thing in my life you made lack luster

6. You are my true best friend, I smoked my first cigarette with you, you were there when i had my breakdown, I stayed at your house everyday i could and wish me and you could have an apartment together. I cried when you had to leave and I couldnt see you as much anymore, it still bothers me that we dont spend nearly as much time together. No matter what shit happens, no matter how much you ride my case, i will always love you, not for what you have done or what you will do or anything like that, but because you are you and anything less than love from me would be a disgrace and seem like our time together meant nothing, thats why I love you.

7.I care about you a lot, truthfully i would dare say i love you, we got a lot in common and it is really fun to hang out wiht you. i just wish we could get some more alone time

8. I miss you so much it hurts, you dont realize how bad i need you here.

9. I hate it when you two hang out, you guys, who i introduced to each other, completely ignore me and for you guys to do that, knowing how much you guys mean to me, it really hurts. look closely next time we are all together, try to catch me fuming, its not hard

10.with you, i never know, you spin me about and i never know which direction i should go. you will end up causing me trouble to no end. truthfully, i dont mind it at all, i like the hard situations, the ones where there seems to be no hope, you put me in those situations often